unaquired

just watched the assassination of jesse james by the coward robert ford.  slow and methodical, but had me in its grip from beginning to end.  cinematography absolutely gorgeous,  nice to see not all films have resorted to handheld camera work.  so obvious that every shot, every placement, every movement has a predestined purpose, that the filmmakers know exactly what they want out of every take.  also really digged the sporadic narration.  crazy how emotionless the voice was and how ubiquitous it was to the story.   also gotta say how natural all the dialogue sounded, the writing and the delivery.  some modern westerns can’t make it as seamless as what they’re aiming for and it comes off as overdone and unnatural.

my mom and sister are flying in for the weekend.  it’s been incredibly lonely here in charlotte, but their upcoming visit has caused me more anxiety than excitement for some reason.  can’t really put my finger on it, but then again emotions have been all over the place lately.  today was simply shitty.  lot of anxiety about the coming weeks and months, where i’ll end up and dealing with finances.  hoping that seeing my family will help calm my nerves, give me a fresh step at facing the future.

been raining here a lot lately.  love the smell of rain.

hope

fuck me.

all the time spent with her destroyed me over and over and now all this time away from her continues to destroy me. just when i thought i was beginninng to take that first step, just that first step, toward freeing myself.

fuck it.

we don’t even talk anymore and it kills me. been so long since we’ve had a real conversation, actually spoken. i mean we communicate but its all electronic.

fucking kills me.

gods i even felt fine today up until she wrote me.  totally caught me off guard in more ways than one.  then all of a sudden the heart accelerates, the questions flurry about within my mind. i play the part, it goes smoothly in text. but inside i’m dying again.  then just like that it’s over, but she leaves me with something for the rest of the day.  a hope.

hope.

that word has been my bane for so long.  yet its significance to what she means to me is so much.

nov 4 2008

the night a certain man riding on the message of hope became our new leader.  also the night she changed my life forever.  all i had and all i’ll ever have is hope.

fuck it.

getting there

well here goes.  not much has changed this summer but starting to feel some slight shifts. decided to try writing some shit out instead of having it turn over and over in my head. hell something’s gotta change. tried writing for the first time about 8 months ago, became something unexpected, something good and something bad. the obsession with detail consumed me, gradually found myself locked in a love-hate relationship with my writing. want this to be different gonna try some new approaches. hopefully it becomes a learning experience in more ways than one.

gotta take my time though

watched two cameron crowe films this week. first was singles, it was alright. i mean i see what crowe was trying to say and what he was getting at, but overall didnt come together that well. had a few good moments though. second was almost famous – very very good. apparently he wrote the screenplay based on a similar experience of his. can’t believe how on the money will’s character was. the awkward adolescence was so raw yet the film as a whole moved with so much confidence.

maybe a little irrelevant but just wanted to say some words about these movies. on matters other than movies i actually have a lot to say probably shouldnt oversaturate the first post though things will make their way to the surface in time. i think this is a good enough start for one night.

word was passed around tonight of an arizona ultimate player who collapsed and died in alaska this week while running a mountain race. read the obituary online. young guy, athletic, loved the outdoors, lived for ultimate, passed away too soon.  sounded a lot like gleason. made me miss him.